HomeGood Morning--and happy Mother’s Day to each and every one of us.
Some years ago a study showed that, when it came to child rearing, the prime difference between men and women was that (statistically), men tended to see the most important role of parenting as instilling values while women tended to see the most important role of parenting as nurturing the child.
I was reminded of that study just a few weeks ago in the most recent copy of the UU World magazine. I read the review of a book in which the author claims that both liberals and conservatives view our nation through the metaphor of family. Then the author proposes that conservatives think of the role of family in child rearing as the task of instilling the proper values into children while liberals think of the role of family as being the task of nurturing children, of giving them a sense of self worth. The result is that conservatives tend to take a disciplinary approach to people while liberals tend to take an understanding approach. Those are the two perspectives that come into collision when thinking about social issues such as drugs, crime or poverty. Conservatives tend to see these things as failures—even moral failures--on the part of the individual, failures that require a response of toughness and discipline; while liberals tend to see these things as examples that a person needs help and support.
That same difference applies, I think, to international affairs. Conservatives are much more likely to support military action against those we have problems with, liberals are much more likely to support dialogue and compromise, let find out where our differences lie.
That happens to coincide with views of religion. The conservative view—at least within the Abrahamic faiths—tends to see religion as invoking the rule of law while liberals tend to see religion as a statement of the rule of love. Conservatives stress the God of judgment; liberals stress the God of mercy and compassion. Some people flee from the religion of their childhood and join congregations like ours because they have rejected the angry, punishing God that they were told will get them someday. And some explore the concept of the Goddess as an alternative to that angry, judging male God; they seek the Divinity of the Chalice, not of the Sword.
The truth, is, of course, that child rearing is much more complex than any one-line, simplistic statement can express.
A child raised with nurturing and no discipline is a child in danger of becoming a spoiled, self-centered person who judges the world and other people solely by what is provided to them.
A child raised with discipline and no nurturing is a child in danger of becoming an angry, judgmental person with no empathy for others.
Most of us, of course, do not live at either extreme. Gender and religious stereotypes aside, whether we are parents or not, in our dealings with others--especially those who are somehow in our care--we each seek the proper balance between nurture and discipline.
We seek that in our treatment of others and we seek it in our treatment of ourselves. It is not a question of whether both are present; it is a question of the emphasis we place on each.
And the truth is that the God of Abraham, whether the God described in the Bible or the God described in the Qu’ran or the writings of the Bahai faith, that God shows a mixture of discipline and nurture.
How we view life, I believe, has been shaped to a great degree by the kind of childhood we had, by the balance of love and law that we faced we grew up. That includes the religious views we have. Is God a god of love or of law; is the Universe beneficent of a place of malice? If your view is one that is more of nurture than of judgment, it is most likely because someone, at some time in your life, showed you love and kindness rather than judgment.
But even those of us who see the Universe as inherently good, even those of us who take pleasure in the joy of life, recognize that there are rules which, if violated, result in death and destruction. Divinity, whatever form it takes, has some quality of the same.
The approach of Mother’s Day caused me to think about each and all of us parents, as caretakers, and how that has practical meaning.
I was thinking about this congregation, about how we hold it in our hands and hearts.
Studies done years ago on monkey infants, and research done on human infants in hospital nurseries, all showed that love and nurture is important. A child can survive on just food; it needs more if it is to thrive. And, in face, sometimes it needs more than just food to survive. Infants in the hospital who are held and talked to tend to be healthier than those who are just fed and warehoused.
We need more than just food.
A child says to a parent, “you were never there for me”. The parent says, “I was busy working to put food on the table and a shirt on your back”. The child says, “that was just money, you never gave me love; I wanted you”. The child is speaking to a deep truth.
In the life of a congregation, pledge money is food. We need it; it is an absolute requirement. And the pledge campaign we have just been through has been wonderful. Thanks go to you all.
But food not enough, money is not enough; this congregation needs you. It needs your presence.
Not everyone can do everything, but those who can are needed—the congregation needs money, the food of its existence, but it also needs your nurture if you can give it; it needs your presence at events; it needs your work on committees. Food and nurture; not one or the other.
In speaking about different perspectives on parenting and on views of life, it is important to remember that people cannot be pigeonholed on the basis of gender or of religious label.
This also means that the word “mother” cannot be stereotyped. It means different things to different people. Mothers have varied balances of skills and abilities, of ideas and philosophies, of practice and action. Even siblings raised in the same household may have different perspectives on what their mother was like.
Mothers Day greeting cards often speak to one kind of mother, one kind of relationship between mother and child. There are many healthy kinds of relationships between mother and child, parent and child.
There are also some mothers who have failed to be what we think they ought to have been; and many who have failed to be what they think they ought to have been. In some, the word “mother” conjures up feelings of pain, loss, grief or abandonment. Let us not forget them today.
But I ask each of us to do something right now.
Look out the window behind me; look out at the beauty of the world. See the flowers and the leaves on the trees and bushes. Pause to reflect on the wonder of the world in all its glory and bounty. Think back on any moment—maybe this one right now—when you knew beauty or peace or joy or bliss or a sense of connection or happiness.
And now remember that someone gave you life that you could have that moment. Someone sheltered you within herself; someone gave you nourishment from her body, that you could be alive, that you could have even just one moment of pleasure or of attachment to life.
Even if you have memories of pain, even if you have anger or hurt deep within, know that you are here because someone chose that it be so.
For almost every one of us, some person—our biological or adoptive or foster parent—some person held us in their arms when we were a tiny infant and, in pure joy, thought—about us, “How amazing, how wonderful; how beautiful you are; what a miracle”.
And in that moment the love of the universe surrounded us.
I would ask us to pause now to think of those who gave us life; to think of those who held us or loved us; to think of those who raised us. I would ask us to pause in a few moments of silence remembering them and honoring what they did for us and gave to us. And then, as we are ready, I would invite those who wish to state the names of their mothers out loud.
These names we have named with our lips or in our hearts are honored by us. We honor them because of what they have done for us. We honor them because they gave us life or helped us to live life. We honor them for the learning they gave, the care they gave, the guidance they gave, the love they gave.
May we honor them in the days to come not only by holding their memories close to our hearts, but also by living lives that are worthy of their trust and faith in us. May we move ever closer to being the people they knew and hoped we could become. May we be living examples of law and love; of law tempered by love; of the law of love.
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